


Remus Lupin is a hidiously inappropriate and hilarious quidditch commentator

by Phoenixcreature



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Annoyed Mcgonagall, Banter, Dare, Established Relationship, M/M, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Mention of sex, Quidditch Commentator Remus, Sassy Remus Lupin, but like barely?, whipped sirius black, wolfstar
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-30
Updated: 2020-11-30
Packaged: 2021-03-10 02:00:15
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,577
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27806464
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Phoenixcreature/pseuds/Phoenixcreature
Summary: James has Dared Remus that for two month he has to be the quidditch commentator, but he has to embarrass Sirius as much as possible in the process.Prompt from tumblr
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 7
Kudos: 123





	Remus Lupin is a hidiously inappropriate and hilarious quidditch commentator

The following is a record of the greatest things Remus J. Lupin has said as the quidditch commentator 

\- By James Potter  
Assistant Peter P.

_________________________________________________________________________  
I would like to state for the record that this sas not my choice, Prongs dared me and i became a victim of peer pressure <3

1 4/5 stars, made Sirius blush like a schoolgirl ;) I DID NOT

Welcome, welcome to this wonderful game between Gryffindor and Ravenclaw, and to make this gorgeous day even better i get to sit in this tiny box with all of our favourite deputy headmistress Minnie- right right, Deputy headmistress McGonagall, as well having a perfect view of the begrudgingly handsome Sirius Black. Yes yes so sorry Minnie oh look the games begun! 

2 5/5 stars, Pads did almost fall off his broom; it was bloody great! I give 3/5 McG hit me twice

My my this game truly does go on forever doesn’t it? Well to tell you the truth i really haven’t been paying attention in the past five minutes since Sirius has had his back to me and i must his backside looks truly devine on that broom- oh pads don’t fall of the broom, you really ought to concentrate more love, 

3 4/5 stars, for the record they still cheated the bastards I would never let someone like Vaisey score, are you mad?!

Truly is a wonder that Talkalot isn’t captain of the slytherins this year, maybe we’ll finally see a fair fight from the slytherins, yes yes McGonagall oh looks like Black has seen the snitch, Regulus Blackof course but speaking of the Blacks doesn’t Sirius look absolutely breathtaking in this lighting? Oi pads what did i say about paying attention you almost let Vaisey score on you and i quite frankly think Gryffindor could go without that sort of embarrassment

4 5/5 stars, could hear Minnie sighing and yelling at Moony over the mic, it was great

I’ve been informed by our radiant professor McGongall that i talk too much about Sirius and not enough on the game so i thought we’d change it up today. I will not say the name Sirius Black once this entire game or he may confiscate my entire sweets stash. Well here we have our two teams, the brave Gryffindors and the loyal Hufflepuff, let’s see if it’s daring or hard word that’ll win this match. One thing Gryffindors got that Hufflepuff hasn’t is James Potter……...….’s best friend, this mysterious black haired beauty i do not know the name of, our very own keeper of the castle, he wouldn’t dare let any quaffles in our rings or he’d be sleeping in his own bed tonight….but how would i know that i don’t even know his name.

“Prongs please please pleaseee let Moony out of the bet. I can't take this anymore! Have you got any idea how hard it is to concentrate on playing when your boyfriend is announcing to the whole school how fit he thinks you are?! I know you said it was supposed to be for two months but PLEASE” Sirius was sat on his bed facing James who stood between the beds changing into his pajamas. 

“Is the great Sirius Orion Black… begging?” James mocked with a wide grin and before Sirius could form any sort of retort a snort came from behind him,

“Please that’s hardly a new development” Remus said, James made a yuckgh sound and threw his hands up in defense “Please shut up, i don’t wanna know any more details on your sex life than i already do from sirius’ shoddy silencing spells” James said looking at neither of them, he looked like he was trying to repel several unpleasant memories. Sirius Black was a very expressive person, he wore most of his emotions on his sleeve, Whether they were what he was he was feeling at the time, so naturally being his friend or boyfriend you got to know all his expressions a little too well, so when Sirius got that maniacal smirk on his face they both winced and prepared for whatever atrocities was about to sprout from Sirius mouth. 

“Well how do you know i don’t make em shoddy on purpose?” Sirius smirked at James who looked a fun mix of disgust and disbelief, whilst Remus just facepalmed, he had a bit more experience when Sirius got like this than James had. 

“Sirius, shut it” Remus said in his most stern tone of voice, he didn’t use it often since he saw no real use for it, except for when Sirius decided to behave like a little shit. Sirius who always seemed to move around even when sitting cross legged, stilled completely, anyone who didn’t know the effect Remus had on Sirius might think he was under the impirius. 

“We’ll talk about this later, yea?” Sirius nodded slightly and Remus smiled at him, “Now why was he begging when I got in? What’d you two do this time” James is looking between Sirius who’s getting redder by the second and Remus who looks like he just wants a nap, in disbelief but humor is twinkling behind his dark rimmed glasses. 

“Right uh… he was asking for you to be released from the dare, apparently it’s too distracting having you ramble on about his arse” James explained, Remus nodded, not knowing what to say, he didn’t really have much to say in the matter

“Right well it’s not like McGonagall could kick me off within the two months she agreed to, unless I did something revolting” Remus said, the last part sounded more like a thought that made its way to his lips without him knowing. This time Sirius was the one who winced, he knew the gleam in James eyes from the hours upon hours they’d spent plotting and planning,

“So what you’re saying is, you just have to say something so -revolting, McGonagall has no choice but dismiss you right after?” 

And that’s how Remus found himself back in commentator’s chair, settled in and ready to use the sonorous charm, he felt every individual bead of sweat dripping down his nape, Unbeknownst to him, Sirius was the same, he was stood fidgeting in the changing room, for once not thinking about quidditch in the slightest. 

He’d begged and pleaded with Remus for him to just tell him what he was going to say, for Merlins sake the whole school was going to hear him say something about Sirius and it had to be bad enough he’d get banned from commentating again. James however felt abuzz, like he did before any prank, this time however it wasn’t spelling the slytherin banners pink or getting a bunch of small radios off Lily and spelling them to play a never ended loop of “I’m in love with my car” by Queen all over the castle, this time it was taking the piss on Sirius and he was buzzing with curiosity, begrudgingly Remus had also refused to tell James anything and any time he’d asked Remus had gone flushed, which he only ever did when Sirius was being extremely soppy or affectionate. James was slightly hoping he wouldn’t just spend the whole serenading Sirius with Shakespearian love sonnets, Remus was more creative than that… hopefully 

5 0/5 stars, never been so uncomfortable in my life and now I need to bleach my eyes, ears and hand for having written this. shut it this was all your idea

Welcome Welcome to another thrilling match between Gryffindor and Ravenclaw, and here they are now, wonderful. Well let’s get this game started shall we.   
But before we do i’d like to take a moment- Yes McGonagall i know i'm 'sposed to talk about quidditch this really won’t take long, so you all see that breathtakingly gorgeous black haired beauty named Sirius Black out there right? Well of course you do with a face- and body, like that how could you miss him, Oi pads pay attention to the game, blimey thought you were about to fall off your broom again, oh that truly was a great match, Sirius had to keep watch on Urquhart who was camping so i had a front row seat to staring at Sirius arse- sorry McG, anyways that actually sums up most of my life, having a front row seat to sirius, er backside, well sometimes more than just a view if you kno- OW bloody hell McGonagall you’ve got an impressive arm on you, Yes yes the match i know Regulus Black just lost sight of the snitch, we’re all watching the match we can see that, but what we can’t see is the fact that Sirius almost has abs, no no i’m not kidding, you can’t really see it but if you run your hand over, preferably when he’s shirtless...right yes, if you run your hand down you can definitely feel them, hm is it warm out there love? You’re beet red, maybe you should drink some water to keep you from overheating. Anyways back to what’s important here, Sirius’ got this one spot on his lower back where,it’s so hot you guys- if you just graze it or kiss it he goes- ow ow ow ok ok ok i’m leaving Minnie i’m leaving jeez, good luck with your match love i’ll wait by the dressing roo- yes yes McGonagall i’m gone.

**Author's Note:**

> hope you liked this very short wolfstar fic, please kudos or Comment if you did :)


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